Monday, December 19, 2011

What Christmas Carols are REALLY Saying

Christmas carols have been on my mind recently, and I recently discovered a cache of handwritten explanations, by the songwriters or performers. of the "true" meaning of many of our favorite Christmas carols.

1. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - a letter from a terrified little boy asking Santa to enslave his abusive, alcoholic Uncle Rudy and force him to pull Santa's sleigh.

Santa Baby - Eartha Kitt's attempt to admit to the world that she has a fetish for chubby, old men.

3. The Christmas Song ("Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire")
- Seriously, Nat "King" Cole? You wrote a song about cooking nuts?

4. White Christmas - Bing Crosby's love letter to the KKK.

5. Baby, It's Cold Outside
- Dean Martin wanted to write a song about his favorite passtime... pressuring girls into drinking heavily during snow storms so that he can date rape them (OK, this one wasn't a very big stretch).

6. Carol of the Bells - the amazement of a bunch of Mormon boys at the sound of some freaking bells. You Latter-Days really need to let your kids get out more.

7. Silent Night - from Mary's diary written shortly after the birth of the Savior, when he just WOULDN'T STOP CRYING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. (Incidentally, this is also the first recorded usage of "Sweet Jesus, SHUT THE FUCK UP!")

8. Blue Christmas - Elvis was complaining to Priscilla about her failure to put out, and the response that would be experienced "south of the border." Or, he was high and hoping to see some Smurfs.

OK, that's enough stupid humor, blasphemy and offending other peoples' religion for right now.

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